Postpartum Depression

At almost 8 weeks postpartum and with a little bit of perspective, I recognize that postpartum depression is a very real thing. Not only is it real, but more women struggle with it than I realized. I always thought if it as the women who kill their babies and claim insanity, and while I felt a little crazy at times, I wasn't going to hurt anyone.

I had a hard time bonding with my child right away and I felt so bad because I wasn't instantly in love with her the way I was with my firstborn. I didn't like my toddler at all and saw him as a burden and a challenge as opposed to my sweet little boy that I loved unconditionally two days prior. I loved my children and cared for them, but I lived for bedtime. I felt like everyone around me was so happy and wanted me to be as well, but I wasn't. I didn't want to say anything, even to our midwife who I trust. I wanted everything to be okay, I wanted to be the perfect mom with everything together, but in reality I was not doing well. We had my mother-in-law staying with us for a week and the day we put her on the train to go home, I cried all day. I felt so overwhelmed and scared.

At almost 4 weeks postpartum, I had a massage. My monthly massage with Peg has become like therapy to me and in one of our sessions she helped me to realize that there are three levels of depression and I was more normal than I knew. The first level is the "baby blues" which almost all women go through. I remember around day three with Caleb I was pretty emotional, but that was the worst of it. The second level is postpartum depression, which is where I found myself with Jeliya, and the third is postpartum psychosis, which is the women who kill their babies. The conversation with Peg encouraged me to talk to my midwife and get some help. I wasn't crazy, but we did need to treat the problem for what it is and not pretend it didn't exist.

I have been taking an herb called Motherwort, which is similar to St. John's Wort, commonly used to treat mild depression. I started taking two droppers full twice a day, and now I am down to one dropper twice a day. I can definitely tell if I forget to take it. I just feel edgy and quick to anger, tired and short of patience. Postpartum depression is generally caused by shifts in hormones and tends to subside around 8 weeks as the body regulates itself. I can still tell that I am dealing with this issue, but getting better all the time.

Jeliya's birth has forced me to confront a number of ideas in my life. The first was the unpredictable nature of life and I cannot possibly plan or prepare for everything. It is good to have a plan, but remember to be flexible. The second is not to be arrogant about my own strength. I felt so good about my ability to birth Caleb at home, on my own, but the reality is it had nothing to do with my strength; he chose to be born at home and very quickly. I was strong enough to endure 43 hours of labor with Jeliya and birth her completely naturally in the hospital. I doesn't matter where a baby is born or if any interventions are used, there is nothing easy about birthing a baby. Every woman and baby have a birth story and none is less exciting or miraculous than the next. The third thing I have learned is to listen and understand each person's experience. I never understood women who struggled with postpartum depression. I didn't get how someone could not instantly be in love with their baby, but now I do. I love her and will always take care of her, but it took me some time to fall in love with her. It doesn't make me crazy and it doesn't make me a bad mom, it is just reality. Life is full of lessons!

My recommendations for anyone I know who has had a baby recently or is soon to be a mother: -Be prepared to be flexible with your birth plan!
-Try not to jump right to interventions, but give your body and baby time to experience a natural process. Your body knows what to do and the more natural the process, the more your body will give you what you need to handle labor and birth.
-Move, move, move!
-Be honest with the people around you. You are amazingly strong and it is okay to not be okay. According to my our midwife, "Crying is a method of coping. Don't hold it in."
-Ask for help!

Being a mom is challenging at times, but truly the most amazing experience I have even gone through. I learn so much daily through my children and I am thankful for every experience, especially the really tough ones; that is when I grow the most!