Postpartum Depression

At almost 8 weeks postpartum and with a little bit of perspective, I recognize that postpartum depression is a very real thing. Not only is it real, but more women struggle with it than I realized. I always thought if it as the women who kill their babies and claim insanity, and while I felt a little crazy at times, I wasn't going to hurt anyone.

I had a hard time bonding with my child right away and I felt so bad because I wasn't instantly in love with her the way I was with my firstborn. I didn't like my toddler at all and saw him as a burden and a challenge as opposed to my sweet little boy that I loved unconditionally two days prior. I loved my children and cared for them, but I lived for bedtime. I felt like everyone around me was so happy and wanted me to be as well, but I wasn't. I didn't want to say anything, even to our midwife who I trust. I wanted everything to be okay, I wanted to be the perfect mom with everything together, but in reality I was not doing well. We had my mother-in-law staying with us for a week and the day we put her on the train to go home, I cried all day. I felt so overwhelmed and scared.

At almost 4 weeks postpartum, I had a massage. My monthly massage with Peg has become like therapy to me and in one of our sessions she helped me to realize that there are three levels of depression and I was more normal than I knew. The first level is the "baby blues" which almost all women go through. I remember around day three with Caleb I was pretty emotional, but that was the worst of it. The second level is postpartum depression, which is where I found myself with Jeliya, and the third is postpartum psychosis, which is the women who kill their babies. The conversation with Peg encouraged me to talk to my midwife and get some help. I wasn't crazy, but we did need to treat the problem for what it is and not pretend it didn't exist.

I have been taking an herb called Motherwort, which is similar to St. John's Wort, commonly used to treat mild depression. I started taking two droppers full twice a day, and now I am down to one dropper twice a day. I can definitely tell if I forget to take it. I just feel edgy and quick to anger, tired and short of patience. Postpartum depression is generally caused by shifts in hormones and tends to subside around 8 weeks as the body regulates itself. I can still tell that I am dealing with this issue, but getting better all the time.

Jeliya's birth has forced me to confront a number of ideas in my life. The first was the unpredictable nature of life and I cannot possibly plan or prepare for everything. It is good to have a plan, but remember to be flexible. The second is not to be arrogant about my own strength. I felt so good about my ability to birth Caleb at home, on my own, but the reality is it had nothing to do with my strength; he chose to be born at home and very quickly. I was strong enough to endure 43 hours of labor with Jeliya and birth her completely naturally in the hospital. I doesn't matter where a baby is born or if any interventions are used, there is nothing easy about birthing a baby. Every woman and baby have a birth story and none is less exciting or miraculous than the next. The third thing I have learned is to listen and understand each person's experience. I never understood women who struggled with postpartum depression. I didn't get how someone could not instantly be in love with their baby, but now I do. I love her and will always take care of her, but it took me some time to fall in love with her. It doesn't make me crazy and it doesn't make me a bad mom, it is just reality. Life is full of lessons!

My recommendations for anyone I know who has had a baby recently or is soon to be a mother: -Be prepared to be flexible with your birth plan!
-Try not to jump right to interventions, but give your body and baby time to experience a natural process. Your body knows what to do and the more natural the process, the more your body will give you what you need to handle labor and birth.
-Move, move, move!
-Be honest with the people around you. You are amazingly strong and it is okay to not be okay. According to my our midwife, "Crying is a method of coping. Don't hold it in."
-Ask for help!

Being a mom is challenging at times, but truly the most amazing experience I have even gone through. I learn so much daily through my children and I am thankful for every experience, especially the really tough ones; that is when I grow the most!

PTSD

I feel like birthing a baby is similar to going to war in that there is some Post Traumatic Stress that comes along with it. I feel like there is no space to vent, cry, be sad, or digest such an experience when a baby is involved. Everyone around me thinks I should be so happy, and part of me is, but I can't help but deal with this overwhelming sadness; I guess sadness is the word. I am so happy to not be pregnant anymore, but I can't remember anything about it now. I can't remember how it felt or where the time went. I don't know how this baby got here. Her birth did not go the way I wanted, other than the outcome of a healthy baby, and I feel like I didn't really want to be pregnant this time in the first place. I am sad that I feel this way and it is taking me much longer to really bond with her than it did with Caleb. I feel like there has been no time for me to just be me when there is a business to run and a family to care for. I didn't get pampered and cared for this time around and I was expected to jump right back into life. There is laundry to be done, meals to make, messes to clean up and everyone around me has just forgotten what I went through, as if it didn't happen at all or it doesn't matter. I feel so much pressure to be "ok" and "happy", but I'm just not. I love my children and my husband and I do feel so blessed to have them, but I need a little time to decompress and to find my joy.

Why do the have to get sick?

Yesterday was a long rough day and night with Caleb. He ran a high fever all day-around 103 with no other symptom. I took him to the doctor and they, of course, had no idea what was wrong with him. I felt like I wasted their time and over reacted, but when he has never had a fever that high, I was worried. I tried all of the things that my parents used to do to me when I was sick, but it was all wrong for someone his age and some of it made things worse. In the end, he slept in the middle of our bed and kept us up all night, but at least I felt like I could do something to comfort him when he fussed and I could put my hand on him to see if he was still hot, or too cold and in need of a blanket.

Sometimes being a parent is a totally helpless place to be. A doctor couldn't help him and neither could I. The only thing we could do was try to make him more comfortable, sit with him and wait. Sometimes there is no cure and the cause is unknown to us, but we have to just ride it out.

Geoffrey's Birthday (Surprise Phot Shoot)

Reflections

I was reflecting the other day and came to the conclusion that there is no life event that is flawless or without any complication. No move, wedding, birth, or other event takes place in our lives without something. That is what the memories are made of.

At our wedding I forgot the parking passes at our house in Denver, so we had to beg the park ranger for more passes. There was the oven that had to be temperature regulated by uncle David because the thermostat was broken and if he did not stand there and open and close the oven door, the cakes would burn.

During Caleb's pregnancy I had multiple UT infections and had to go to the hospital for dehydration and monitoring of a little preterm labor. Then we had prodromal labor for almost two weeks and a super fast birth which involved second degree tears. Caleb was perfectly healthy, figured out nursing right away, and the rest is history, but not at all what I had envisioned.

This pregnancy has been fairly textbook so far. I was nauseated in the beginning, much worse than with Caleb, but was never actually sick. Since then the only issue I have had is these lightheaded spells. Some days are worse than others, but not a day goes by that I feel good all day long. We are working with a low iron theory right now which means I am paying more attention to my diet and taking Floradix twice a day to boost my iron level. If this is the real problem and the solution is that easy, then we will be very lucky. If low iron isn't what is causing these spells, then we will have to do some tests to figure out what is, but I have confidence in our midwife and her knowledge of the reasons behind this theory. Not enough iron attached to hemoglobin, combined with low blood pressure and really thin blood, all natural during pregnancy, results in not enough oxygen getting to the cells, especially in the brain, causing a lightheaded feeling.

All in all, I feel very fortunate that these are the issues we have to deal with. None of these are life threatening or harmful to me or baby. If iron isn't the issue then we will have to look at my blood sugar levels which have been known to be low and can also cause lightheadedness, and see what else we can do.

These experiences have taught me more about my body and the things that I can do before I resort to a doctor and drugs. There are things that God put into this world to help us and I love working with a midwife who is so knowledgeable and allows time and space for my body to work before putting me through unnecessary procedures. There is no sense in running tests and labeling things that we could be proactive about and treat before it is truly an issue. I like being involved in the process and part of the solution in this journey.

"Babies"

This afternoon, Geoffrey spent some time with Caleb and I got to go see the "Babies" documentary. The first thing I noticed was there was no commentary. I found that odd at first, but then it occurred to me that any commentary would sway the thinking of the viewer and the true beauty of the film was its unbiased view of four different babies growing up in four different countries and cultures.

I found the depiction of the "American" baby to be a little odd. The first view of her was of the bag of fluids hanging on the pole next to the hospital bed and the shot follows the tubing that is attached to the mom and the baby laying next to her. The baby is cooing and appears to be healthy. It made me wonder if that is the norm for American births and the way we are viewed around the world. All the other birth scenes were natural. Even the Mongolian child who was born in what appeared to be a clinic, was unassisted. I would've liked to see an American baby with a natural birth story.

I found myself wondering where the parents were sometimes and it made me think about my own parenting. There was a scene with the Japanese little girl where the dad was on the computer and the mom was occupied with something else and the child was taking apart photos and CD cases, etc. Similar scenes have played out in our household as well and my first thought was "pay attention" and then when I realized how close it hit to home I rethought my negativity.

The American parents seemed to be really involved in their child and it was pretty much the only portrayal of a father.

The mothers in Namibia seemed to not really be paying much attention to the child and yet they had some amazing scenes of teaching the child. When the little boy was preparing to start walking, the mother was standing next to him with her hand out to assist. The little boy was crying and wanted to be picked up. The mother knew that he could do it, so she bent down, did not pick him up, but offered her breast for him to nurse. He nursed for a few seconds, then she stood back up, he took her hand and after a little thought he walked with her. There was also a scene later where the mother was playing a game with the little boy by placing a cup on his hand and having him walk with it balanced there. It was interesting because that is such a part of their livelihood and teaching the child how to participate in that activity at such a young age is important.

It was amazing to me to see the differences in the cultures, but also the similarities. All of the children got frustrated, interacted with other children, got into trouble, laughed, explored their world, learned to crawl, stand, walk and communicate. No matter the culture, the parenting style, or the resources available, all children are born into this world, cared for, and taught to thrive. There were things that surprised me, grossed me out, made me laugh, and reminded me of my own humanity. All in all, I really enjoyed this film.

The Single Life

I love my life, I love my child and the expectation of another, but I miss the "single" life. I liked going on dates with my husband, doing whatever I wanted to do, traveling, spending time with friends, etc. Now, even when I have the rare chance to do something by myself, or with just Geoffrey, I am thinking about Caleb or the new baby and I don't take the time to really absorb the space. Some friends of ours that we used to travel with just got back from a cruise. We saw a couple from our tribe out to breakfast on Sunday morning, as were we, but we had Caleb and were busy keeping him occupied, feeding, and then cleaning up. I thought about what their Sunday had in store and it was so different than ours. Geoffrey spent all of Saturday and Saturday night in Portland at a geek convention with friends/co-workers of his and I was left with Caleb. We had a good time, but it was so busy. We have talked about different travels for this summer, but I am starting to feel anxious about the new baby and a little frustrated that I won't get to see anybody or do anything I want to do because I am so pregnant, Geoffrey is working and flying, and that leaves me with babies. I want to run away sometimes and just be unattached and free, but I would miss what I have that I am attached to.

14-16 weeks

Well, we have somewhere between 14 and 16 weeks to go. Sometimes that seems like a long way off because 4 months is a long time, but when I think of 40 weeks versus 14, it seems much too soon. I really do love being pregnant and experiencing all of the changes and movements. I know that I will miss this belly when it is gone and I may forget the feeling of these movements someday, and I know I will miss sleeping a whole night, but I will not miss heartburn and lower back pain.

I was listening to the radio yesterday and they were giving advise to a mom-to-be for the first time. One caller told her to never forget to smell her child and remember their smell. I love the way Caleb smelled the day he was born and sometimes I just nestle under his chin or smell the top of his head, especially after his shower/bath. There is nothing like the sweet smell of a little baby, especially my own.

Caleb is growing so quickly and understanding so much every day. He is climbing everything, taking a few tumbles, and learning how to brush himself off. I learn so much from him each day. We have been working on a new discipline technique and it seems to be working. In the middle of a huge tantrum at the library I saw a book on the shelf called, "Positive Time-Out, and over 50 ways to Avoid Power Struggles in the Home and the Classroom". The premise is that kids behave better when they feel better and punitive time-out does not meet that goal. We have made a time out spot that we call the Quiet Cubby and when Caleb is acting out we ask him if he needs to go there and calm down. He usually chooses to go there on his own, where he takes a few deep breaths and comes back, shows us gentle touches or apologizes and then moves on. It is all by choice, and if he really needs to go there but doesn't choose it, we go there with him and help him calm down, but not forcing him to sit there like a punishment. We praise him for going to his cubby and for calming his body down and when he returns we ask him if he is feeling better. In the past couple days his behavior is evolving and it seems to be working. When he gets upset outside of the house, we can usually get him to take some deep breaths and only once have we had to take a quiet time in the car until he was feeling better and ready to handle the situation calmly. Now I find him taking big deep breaths even before I remind him or whenever he feels tense. It is so cute and I find myself giggling, but it truly is a good technique that will serve him later in his life. Sometimes Mommy takes a time-out too. I love learning with and from my child. Thank you God for this blessing!

Mother's Day 2010!

During my pregnancy with Caleb I didn't really like taking pictures of the belly. I felt huge and stretch marks are gross and I just didn't feel comfortable. We took a few and now I cherish them. With this pregnancy I have wanted to take a lot more photos of myself being pregnant and of the belly. Today we had our annual Mother's Day photo shoot at Avery Park and it felt so good to have some beautiful pictures taken of my pregnant form and my lovely little family. Thanks to my wonderful husband for this gift!

Just a Sunday walk in the park.

I love my little family!

Caleb loves the baby already! Here's the belly, stretch marks and all. It is not smooth and pretty like some bellies, but it is mine and it holds my precious little treasure.

I love this belly and I know I will miss it when it is gone. I also can't wait to meet the little person. I will just enjoy the journey at every stage.

Change

Change is always a challenging time in life. It is sure to be filled with excitement, apprehension, joy, fear, sadness and a variety of other feelings no matter what the change may be. Life is full of changes, large and small. Some are sudden while others happen over time.

Caleb had his first sleep over and Geoffrey and I went to the coast for the night. I cried when we left him, not because I didn't want to go, or I didn't want him to have this experience, but because our relationship to him was changing. As he grows, his need for us changes and while it feels good to know that he is secure enough to behave appropriately, I was a little sad to leave him and also happy to have 24 hours to ourselves. A change met with apprehension, sadness, and joy and it made me a better mom because after a night away I was so refreshed and excited to see him. He did so well and so did we.

My Dad and Lisa are preparing for a major change in their lives. This change brings me a bit of sadness because is means the loss of the house I grew up in and with it, so many memories. I am excited for them because they are fulfilling dreams and preparing for their future together. I know that this change brings them both some apprehension and stress as they make things happen and I wish we lived closer so I could maybe help in some way. Such is life.

I have been thinking a lot about the changes that will take place in our family in the next few months. Caleb will be asked to share our attention with another little person and we will manage to care for two people under the age of two.

Change in life is inevitable, exciting, challenging and joyous. In every change there are positives and negatives and it is all part of the journey. From babies to toddlers to children to teenagers to adults to retirement to many adventures to death; such is life and all its changes.

Caleb is getting Smarter everyday!

Random Thoughts

• Today as Caleb was waking up from his nap, I was rubbing his back and recognizing his tiny body. I was in awe of the gift that is my child and feeling so blessed that God has given me such a great responsibility to be his mommy. He is growing so fast into a young boy and I am amazed by him each day.
• I wonder what I should do with my hair, but I desperately need to do something.
• I am excited to meet this new baby and I can't believe we are already half way there. Our midwife is awaiting the birth of another woman who had a fast first birth and is now struggling with a slow labor process. She delivered her first baby at 37 weeks in a matter of 6 hours from start to finish and now she thinks she is in labor at every little twinge, but she is not. She still has two weeks until her due date and she can still deliver two weeks beyond that, so it is going to be a rough road for her. Our midwife has already labor sat through one whole night and has gone to their house a few times in hopes that it was time. Someone needs to tell her that she is not in labor and she still has a lot of time for it to happen. The truth is, having a slow labor after Caleb's fast birth is a concern of mine, but going through this process with her makes me realize the importance of being realistic. I didn't like hearing that I was not in REAL labor when I had prodromal with Caleb, but it was true and I hope I can be responsive and patient with my next birth.
• I would love to take ballroom dance lessons someday with Geoffrey. I think it would be fun to learn something new together.
• I don't really like being so light-headed in the mornings, but I know that if my blood sugar is that low, then baby is growing while I sleep and it is just one more of the many joys of pregnancy.
• I feel like my belly is growing really fast, but Missy says it is not as big as she would expect for a second baby at this point in the game, although baby is growing just fine. I guess that is a good thing, but I feel huge and I know it is only going to get worse.
• Half way through this pregnancy I have gained ten pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight.
  
• I feel like I need to do some major spring cleaning and organizing, in our closets especially.
• I love to watch Caleb at his tumbling class. He has so much fun challenging himself, navigating new obstacles, interacting with kids his own age, and initiating his own exploration. He is usually so good in class. He is getting better at following directions and communicating his needs/wants which is so cool.
  

My Little Peanut!

It is so amazing to me that a little person so small can be so fully formed already. He/she has everything it needs in there to survive in this world. Getting to see into the womb is such a miracle. We got to see the parts of the brain and heart and know that they are all there. Those are things that we would not ever know for sure unless something was wrong. Baby has ten fingers, ten toes, two eyes, on nose and a lot of energy. I feel so blessed to get the opportunity to be a mother to two little lives and to witness their growth in and out of my womb.

The sweetest sound in the world

I find it so amazing and hard to believe that there is another person living inside of my body. A perfect tiny little body with a beating heart all its own that will someday follow that heart wherever it may lead. Although I can't feel it now, we heard little kicks with the Doppler and we heard the pulse beating within the umbilical cord connecting the two of us. God created my body knowing that these lives would grow there and I am in awe.

Finally (I hope)

This Saturday and Sunday I have finally started to feel a bit better. I haven't experienced nausea like I have in the past six weeks. I have had a few moments where i felt a tiny bit nauseated, but it was usually because I needed to eat or drink something, I handled it quickly and then I felt fine again. I have continued to be tired but that is to be expected. I am really hoping that this becomes the norm and not just an exception. Only time will tell.

We are currently at 10-12 weeks. Yeah!

In other news, I keep having dreams that I start bleeding and I have to say I lost the baby. I also am having dreams that I can feel the baby moving, so I am not sure which is a sign, but I hope it is the later. I can't imagine losing a baby. I know it is possible but I am hopeful that this little bean will stay safe in my womb and all is well in there.

We have our first prenatal appointment this coming Wednesday and I am looking forward to the possibility of hearing the little beans heartbeat. Hopefully we are lucky and can find it!

Blah!

I really am so excited to be pregnant and to think about the future with two beautiful little children, but I am so tired of not feeling good. I know that some women have things way worse than I have, but I do not like being nauseated. I am so over trying to creep though my day without wanting to puke, even though I never really do. Loving the baby idea, really wanting to feel better. This too shall pass.

Round 2

So now that we have let everyone know, I am free to journal about the little life inside of me. The responses of our family and friends were mostly positive but some had the "again?" kind of response which wasn't particularly helpful. I have not been very secretive about my wish for this baby to be a little girl and I feel like it is for some reason, but even if it is another boy, I am so excited to be carrying life within me. I am a bit anxious about the birth process; more so this time because I know what to expect and that is crazy. This pregnancy has been filled with not feeling very good and being really tired, but with a full time job caring for little people, kicking my feet up is, once again, not an option. Because this baby will be our last, according to our plans, I am trying really hard to slow down and recognize the miracle that is taking place. I feel like when I was pregnant with Caleb I didn't really understand what was taking place until the final two weeks before his birth. I am so overwhelmed and excited to be taking this journey once again and I pray for strength, wisdom, and as much rest as possible. I love my life!