A natural

Tonight was a great night. I went to yoga and worked with a different instructor than I have worked with before. At the end of class he said I was a complete natural and that I did such a great job. He couldn't believe that it was only my 5th class. I was totally blown away. I have never been a natural at anything physical or even good at it. I know that each class is a new experience and I have a long way to go in my own strength building and confidence, but at least I feel like I am in the right place to do that.

After class I attended the yoga holiday party. Esther took Caleb while I was in class and Geoffrey was working, so I met them there. By the time I got there he had won over everyone's hearts and so they loved me too. Caleb is such a great little ice breaker and he was in a particularly good mood, so he was even cuter. It was so amazing to be around other people who enjoy yoga and to see how they love life and each other so much more. It is inspiring to see how the practice of Bikram yoga truly does change the outlook on life as a whole. I am inspired to keep trying.

I am not a doormat

Now, I am not one for harsh language, but this image truly portrays how I am feeling. Sometimes I just want to say that to people. I get tired of being unappreciated and expected to meet the needs of everyone else, while neglecting my own. I am tired of people passing off what I am saying so they can get their way in the end. I am tired of feeling so frustrated at the end of the day, or by the beginning in some cases. I am tired of my nervous system being on overload. I have no time to recharge, recover, unwind, or just be still. The only place I can take care of myself is yoga, but I have to have enough energy to make that happen too. I really only have a couple of people in mind when I say "people" but for the sake of confidentiality and the ability for me to vent freely, I will not mention any names. I am so tired of being a doormat!

An epiphany

I had a learning moment in Yoga tonight. I was doing a posture laying on my belly with my arms flat underneath me, or they were supposed to be. I was struggling a little bit and the instructor came over and corrected me. My first instinct was to be embarrassed because I was pointed out, but then I said, "self, that is why you are here is to learn and it is okay to not be perfect." Some other ladies were talking about the learning process after class. One lady said that after four months she finally figured out what the instructor meant by a certain hand posture. It made me feel good to know that I wasn't the only one that didn't have it all figured out. I had a hard time getting my balance in a couple of poses and my foot kept sliding in the Triangle pose because my legs aren't strong enough yet to hold my foot there. I struggled tonight, but I also made progress. In a couple of poses I was able to go further than before and do things I haven't been able to do. It is such an amazing feeling to reach out and try, whether I succeed or not. In that studio I can push my body further than I ever thought I could. I can touch my forehead to my knees with my legs totally straight, I can keep control of my mind and not panic in the heat, and I can allow myself to be imperfect in the pursuit of a healthier, stronger and better looking body. I am now trying to define my success by simply trying and doing everything to the best of my ability.

My Crouching Tiger

I have been struggling with difficult personalities and situations lately. At Dox, we recently talked about sin as a crouching tiger ready to strike. It is laying still just waiting to pounce. I think that anger is my tiger. It is a minute to minute battle to keep it at bay. I get frustrated and act before I think and that is a problem. I am finding it helpful to practice deep bikram breathing at all times, giving myself at least a breath before I respond. I know it has only been a couple of days, but I feel like it is helping. There are some people and situations in life that have been a real challenge for me and I am definitely in constant communication with myself to stay in line. I want to be and portray a loving and gentle spirit, but sometimes that is so hard when I feel like I am getting used, walked on, and manipulated. My tiger wants to rage, but that is not who I was created to be.

The Bikram Experience

I have been inspired by this show and I am beginning to learn more about myself from these people. I empathize with them when they say, "I don't know how to succeed because I have always been a failure. I have always been the fat kid. Exercise cause me anxiety, etc." I want to be healthier and happier. I want to have energy and I don't want to be the fat kid anymore.



I went to my first Bikram Yoga class this past Saturday and was totally blown away. For those who do not know, Bikram Yoga is a hot yoga. It consist of 24 postures and 2 breathing exercises done in a studio that is 95-105 degrees. The heat allows your body to work harder and stretch further without pain or damage. It also helps in sweating out toxins. This practice works every muscle and organ in the body all the way down to the cellular level. I have gone to many yoga classes and I have joined many a gym program and diet, but I never really get the results I want. In 90 minutes I sweat more than I ever have doing any other exercise and I am still feeling the effects in my muscles. I felt so strong, balanced and powerful. I also felt really nauseated afterward, which is probably attributed to all the toxins being released. It smelled so bad in the room, but as soon as class started I didn't even notice it anymore. I am definitely sore from Saturday but it isn't painful like after weight lifting or regular yoga, it is more just the feeling of muscles worked that I haven't worked in a while.

I want to be thinner and healthier but I don't ever feel like I belong in a gym, I don't like running, I am not a very good swimmer, and I don't always like to eat healthy. I want to give Bikram Yoga another try and see if this is the thing for me. It seems like every time I get on a weight loss kick I get side tracked, run out of time, or don't see results and I give up. Right now we have a variety of friends that are big into Bikram Yoga and it may be the thing that keeps me in the game. It is so hard but I was so proud of myself on Saturday for trying and succeeding. I just need to see results and continue to go and try. I don't want to be a failure anymore when it comes to my health.

The Beginning

Today is the first day of a journey, as is every day. Life is a journey and sometimes I need a place where I can place my thoughts in such a crowded and busy world. This blog will serve as a place for me to vent, contemplate, create, and share my journey in this life. Much of the posts here will revolve around parenting my wonderful son, loving my great husband, and my struggles and triumphs.