The sweetest sound in the world

I find it so amazing and hard to believe that there is another person living inside of my body. A perfect tiny little body with a beating heart all its own that will someday follow that heart wherever it may lead. Although I can't feel it now, we heard little kicks with the Doppler and we heard the pulse beating within the umbilical cord connecting the two of us. God created my body knowing that these lives would grow there and I am in awe.

Finally (I hope)

This Saturday and Sunday I have finally started to feel a bit better. I haven't experienced nausea like I have in the past six weeks. I have had a few moments where i felt a tiny bit nauseated, but it was usually because I needed to eat or drink something, I handled it quickly and then I felt fine again. I have continued to be tired but that is to be expected. I am really hoping that this becomes the norm and not just an exception. Only time will tell.

We are currently at 10-12 weeks. Yeah!

In other news, I keep having dreams that I start bleeding and I have to say I lost the baby. I also am having dreams that I can feel the baby moving, so I am not sure which is a sign, but I hope it is the later. I can't imagine losing a baby. I know it is possible but I am hopeful that this little bean will stay safe in my womb and all is well in there.

We have our first prenatal appointment this coming Wednesday and I am looking forward to the possibility of hearing the little beans heartbeat. Hopefully we are lucky and can find it!

Blah!

I really am so excited to be pregnant and to think about the future with two beautiful little children, but I am so tired of not feeling good. I know that some women have things way worse than I have, but I do not like being nauseated. I am so over trying to creep though my day without wanting to puke, even though I never really do. Loving the baby idea, really wanting to feel better. This too shall pass.

Round 2

So now that we have let everyone know, I am free to journal about the little life inside of me. The responses of our family and friends were mostly positive but some had the "again?" kind of response which wasn't particularly helpful. I have not been very secretive about my wish for this baby to be a little girl and I feel like it is for some reason, but even if it is another boy, I am so excited to be carrying life within me. I am a bit anxious about the birth process; more so this time because I know what to expect and that is crazy. This pregnancy has been filled with not feeling very good and being really tired, but with a full time job caring for little people, kicking my feet up is, once again, not an option. Because this baby will be our last, according to our plans, I am trying really hard to slow down and recognize the miracle that is taking place. I feel like when I was pregnant with Caleb I didn't really understand what was taking place until the final two weeks before his birth. I am so overwhelmed and excited to be taking this journey once again and I pray for strength, wisdom, and as much rest as possible. I love my life!

A natural

Tonight was a great night. I went to yoga and worked with a different instructor than I have worked with before. At the end of class he said I was a complete natural and that I did such a great job. He couldn't believe that it was only my 5th class. I was totally blown away. I have never been a natural at anything physical or even good at it. I know that each class is a new experience and I have a long way to go in my own strength building and confidence, but at least I feel like I am in the right place to do that.

After class I attended the yoga holiday party. Esther took Caleb while I was in class and Geoffrey was working, so I met them there. By the time I got there he had won over everyone's hearts and so they loved me too. Caleb is such a great little ice breaker and he was in a particularly good mood, so he was even cuter. It was so amazing to be around other people who enjoy yoga and to see how they love life and each other so much more. It is inspiring to see how the practice of Bikram yoga truly does change the outlook on life as a whole. I am inspired to keep trying.

I am not a doormat

Now, I am not one for harsh language, but this image truly portrays how I am feeling. Sometimes I just want to say that to people. I get tired of being unappreciated and expected to meet the needs of everyone else, while neglecting my own. I am tired of people passing off what I am saying so they can get their way in the end. I am tired of feeling so frustrated at the end of the day, or by the beginning in some cases. I am tired of my nervous system being on overload. I have no time to recharge, recover, unwind, or just be still. The only place I can take care of myself is yoga, but I have to have enough energy to make that happen too. I really only have a couple of people in mind when I say "people" but for the sake of confidentiality and the ability for me to vent freely, I will not mention any names. I am so tired of being a doormat!

An epiphany

I had a learning moment in Yoga tonight. I was doing a posture laying on my belly with my arms flat underneath me, or they were supposed to be. I was struggling a little bit and the instructor came over and corrected me. My first instinct was to be embarrassed because I was pointed out, but then I said, "self, that is why you are here is to learn and it is okay to not be perfect." Some other ladies were talking about the learning process after class. One lady said that after four months she finally figured out what the instructor meant by a certain hand posture. It made me feel good to know that I wasn't the only one that didn't have it all figured out. I had a hard time getting my balance in a couple of poses and my foot kept sliding in the Triangle pose because my legs aren't strong enough yet to hold my foot there. I struggled tonight, but I also made progress. In a couple of poses I was able to go further than before and do things I haven't been able to do. It is such an amazing feeling to reach out and try, whether I succeed or not. In that studio I can push my body further than I ever thought I could. I can touch my forehead to my knees with my legs totally straight, I can keep control of my mind and not panic in the heat, and I can allow myself to be imperfect in the pursuit of a healthier, stronger and better looking body. I am now trying to define my success by simply trying and doing everything to the best of my ability.